The subject of sexuality is very fluid and very difficult to define, of what it is and what it can be. Defining sexuality is just like defining what “love” means, it’s one thing to one person and something different for another. If you really knew me, you’d know that I’m totally not a person that would even worry about such things. My sexuality used to be such a big part of who I was, but it has become something of very little importance in my life. It was only a big part of my life because I feared of what my loved ones and friends would think about me, but I never really saw me being the way I am or other gay people as something different. Subsequently, I’ve always being the one to oppose labels, I don’t believe that they do anything but to separate people apart. I really don’t care if you call me bi or gay, the terms don’t really mean anything to me. However, only recently have I even thought over about my sexuality, and I’m starting to see more of where I stand. Sexually, when it comes to women, I’m definitely not “disgusted” nor do I mind doing, but when it comes to relationships and stuff I feel as though I’m more inclined to have one with a guy. If I were to try and break it down in numbers, it would probably be like 8 out 10 cases that I would have one with a guy and 2 out of 10 with a girl. For some, the term bisexuality is whether you’re sexually attracted to the opposite sex, as well as the same sex, but for other it’s whether you’re willing to have a relationship as well, so emotionally, mentally, and everything else. So, at this point, depending how you look at it I’d be bi or gay. :)

(Source: hieudinh)

If you’re born gay, you cannot change that fact no matter what you do, no matter how much you like or dislike it, nor does it matter who you think can help you change yourself. Either you stand up and be proud of who you are, or you can live your life behind lies. You can be in the denial phase, but sooner or later you must face the fact. There’s nothing wrong with being who you are, and you, yourself, must know that before you can actually accept yourself. As for people who are gay and really religious, it’s great and wonderful that you strongly follow what you believe in, but no one, not even God, can turn you straight. Telling yourself that you’re straight when you’re not is absolutely futile, and the same goes for praying.

Don’t wait until that moment when you’re almost at the end of your journey and you wake up next to the person that you can’t bring yourself to say I love you and truly mean it in all ways. Nothing’s worse than forcefully accepting what your hear and soul cannot.

(Source: hieudinh)

It annoys the fuck out of me when people use that phrase. Why the hell does the term “gay” have to do with anything negative? I guess, your limited vocabulary is the reason behind it. It’s 2011. Think before you speak.

(Source: hieudinh)

So yesterday my mom and I spent nearly two hours talking about my sexuality.  I thought she was accepting and understanding after I came out to her, but I guess I’m completely wrong.  She started the conversation by asking if I’ve met any girl or liked any girl yet, and I answered no.  Then, I asked her what if I met a guy or is liking some guy right now, which I don’t, and she answered “no, don’t!” It’s then that it hits me that she is not yet the mom that I imagined in my head. She said she wants me to be like every other guy because she feels that gay people can maintain a relationship because they’re promiscuous. On the inside, I was livid.  I told her straight up that what kind of mother would assume such stereotypes on their kids. She was quiet.  She told me that she thought I was just playing with her when I came out to her, like to test her or something.  I told her that what I said is 100% from my heart; nobody would ever play with such topics. She put so much into what others think or have to say about her life and family.  She doesn’t have the mentality of looking pass all the negative comments from others, she takes them to heart. I told her that she shouldn’t care what others have to say about me if I personally don’t. She doesn’t get it. She said that she still doesn’t believe that gay people were born into it, but she can’t explain when I asked if she ever chose to like guys instead of girls when she grew up. I promised her that she can never be the mom that I have in my mind until the moment she believes me and accepts the person that I was born into.

(Source: hieudinh)

I went to FACT, a Filipino conference, this weekend at U of I. Although there were workshops there to educate people of the Filipino culture, I, on the other hand, was mainly there to party. So, it was Saturday night when we went out to party at a club called Canopy.  After the two shots of Patron, I was ready to dance my ass off, and trust me, I did just that. There was this group of gay guys there, one couple, and the rest, I’m assuming, was single.  They were dancing next to my friends and I, and some of the guys were saying things like “damn, look at that guy dance” or something like that.  So, most of the guys from the group tried to hook one of the guys from the group and I up to dance together.  At first, I was shy, but I was like WTF and trust me, NOT A SINGLE FUCK WAS GIVEN at that moment.  I came up to him and danced, I mean DANCED on him, I’m pretty sure he enjoyed it because he was dancing along with me for a bit, but left back to my friends because I wanted him to do his part.  Unfortunately, he didn’t come up to me to dance, but my friend said that he was looking at me the whole time after I left.  I’m not going to lie, he was cute. I kind of wish I knew what would happen if he were to come up to me…

BUT…

I saw this black girl and I realized she could dance, so I HAD to dance with her.  Our dance was FUCKING AMAZING! I swear, we were reading each other’s mind or something because we knew where each other was going. SO FUCKING GOOD! :)

(Source: hieudinh)

So there was a drag show at my school, and this year’s show was the 4th annual show.  The performers had to take on a persona of the opposite sex and performed a song for the audience.  One guy killed the show; I swear, his body was sexier than some of the girls I know. This girl from my dorm came as Joe Calderone, the “guy” in Lady Gaga’s You and I music video.  Of course, she rocked it as well.  I fucking enjoyed every single moment of it, I mean it! The people, performers and audience, are all so nice. Everyone was so supportive of each other.  This is the environment that I’ve always dreamt of being in. Simply letting go and have a good time.

…and of course, some of the guys (and girls) there were amazingly gorgeous. :P

One thing I’m looking forward to this coming summer, Chicago pride! <3

(Source: hieudinh)

More than girls, I’m kind of particular when it comes to guys. I want a guy that’s funny, I LOVE to laugh and have a good time. I want a guy that can be silly most of the time. I want a guy that loves to talk, not only to me, but to my family and friends as well. Holding a conversation with whoever it may be, even the people you can’t stand is so attractive to me. I want a guy that’s confident. I want a guy that takes care of himself, as in hygiene and working out, that sort of things. I want a guy that likes to learn whatever it may be, no ignorant idiots please, but no Einstein genius either. I want a guy that enjoys the little things I want to do for him, but I want a guy that does those cute things to me as well. I think it’s kind of different for a guy to receive flowers, I’ve never gotten flowers, but I know it’d be cute as fuck. Again, I LOVE SURPRISES, so any guy that can come up with fucking awesome surprises is a keeper. ;) I want a masculine kind of guy because femininity turns me off, real quick. I could be bff’s with one, but I highly, highly doubt that I would date one, I don’t know how to explain it, it’s not my cup of tea.

Fun Fact: A big *cough cough* does not mean a thing to me if you don’t know how to use it.

(Source: hieudinh)

I’ve always been an independent person, relationships and I are like oil and water, we don’t mix.  One of the things that kept me from dating someone was my sexual orientation.  When I was still “in the closet,” I didn’t even know who I was, let alone have a serious relationship with another person.  I can’t imagine dating a girl, with lies.  I can’t imagine dating her, and then all of a sudden come out to her.  It’d be awkward as hell, and I don’t think things would ever be the same.  I want to date someone who knows me completely, not just a part of story.

Another thing is that I get over people so fast.  Getting my attention is so fucking easy, but keeping it is a whole different story.  This is one of the things I want to change someday.  To make it worse, I’m not the type that looks for relationships either, I’m letting time take control of that; I want things to happen naturally, not forced.  Whenever it comes, it certainly will, and I will have nothing to stop it. 

I wanna meet that one person that will love me for who I am, my flaws and all, but most importantly someone who can smooth out my rough edges. I want someone who will open my eyes to the world even more.  I want someone who is willing to be romantically adventurous.  I want someone who will occasionally argue, make me cry, making me realize how important he/she is to me.  I want someone who will be there for me, like me for them. I just want…that person.

one day…

(Source: hieudinh)

The drafts were written around the beginning of this summer.  I put so much effort in them, but I know that I did the right thing, and that was telling them in person.  Of course, they still love me unconditionally. :D
As a result of me coming out, I know that our relationship has gotten A LOT BETTER now that I’m no longer hiding myself.  Our relationship went through a lot of shit because I took my all of my fears, pain, and anger on them, and I regret it greatly, but it was when I had nowhere to go.  The two biggest fears that kept me from coming out were rejections from my family and that others would view me differently.  Fortunately, I was wrong, thinking that my family would do such a thing.  For the latter, however, I really don’t care anymore and I mean every word of it.  The people I hold onto are the people can careless of the person I love.  I’m bi, I like girls, but I also like guys as well, so what?! My sexual orientation used to be such a big part of who I was because I made it so, when in fact, it’s kind of unimportant, to be honest.  Looking back, I kinda wished I came out earlier, so that we could’ve avoided some of the problems.  But I know it’s better late than never; coming out to them in the summer gave me the opportunity to try and rebuild our relationship before heading off to college.

Dear Mom and Dad, Thao and Loc,

I LOVE YOU GUYS! <3 ∞ & MORE!

An excerpt from my coming out letter to my parents:

Dear Mom and Dad, first and foremost, I just want to apologize for everything that I’ve said or done that might of offended you guys.  Along with finding my own happiness, I want to make you guys proud of the son that you have brought up.  And for the longest time, I thought it was somewhere in the realm of impossibility because I considered myself as “defected.”  From the things that I had to go through, I started to close and isolate myself from the family. The reason why I lost my interest in doing things with you guys was because I felt that I didn’t “belong” within the family.  I felt that I was not “good” enough.  Specifically, I avoided having dinners with you guys because I did not want to see the reflections of disappointment and shame in your eyes.  I know I’m not perfect, I was never perfect, I will never be perfect. I don’t want to be perfect.  Perfection, in my mind, is not beautiful.  I guarantee that our relationship will NOT be “happily ever after,” but I promise it will be way better than ever before.  Perfection is impossible, but I believe in improvements.  It will take me some time, but I assure you guys that I will make both of you proud. This is a promise.

I love my family. <3 
 

(Source: hieudinh)